On: Being Your Authentic Self

Never feel ashamed to appreciate the body you were given. Without it, you wouldn't be having this earthly experience.

“Just be yourself” is something I’ve been hearing since childhood and, at the time, was something I thought was so ridiculous. At such a young age I found it absurd that someone would feel it imperative to remind me to be myself; after all, it wasn’t like I had much of a choice in the matter. I had never quite been any person other than myself, save for when I was playing imaginary games with my younger brother, but I knew well enough that those characters were only pretend and at the end of the day, I was still me. Being yourself seems like it would be the easiest, most natural and honest thing anyone could do. After all, keeping up with an imaginary persona got old after a while. Even now, at an older and more experienced age, on the surface, the concept seems rather rudimentary and self-explanatory; just do what comes naturally to you without fear of judgement.

However the more people I meet, the more I realize that I think most people don’t really have a true sense of who we are. I took an abnormal psychology class last semester at my college and we went through the mundane ritual of introducing ourselves on the first day. The professor asked us our name, and to tell the class who we are, and most people’s responses were “I’m a mother of two kids”, “I’m a server at Outback,” “I’m a soccer player” and things of that nature. The problem with these responses, however, is that these are occupations or hobbies, rather than who you are. Things you do, out of enjoyment or out of necessity, or who you are in relation to other people, such as a mother, sister, teacher, etc, may contribute to your sense of self, however at your core, these things are not defining factors of your authentic self. When it came to my turn, I remember saying that my name was Jess and that there wasn’t really any short way to answer the question of who I am, especially since it is something I’m still learning about each day, and to be quite frank, I think this is the best possible answer.

I think the older we get, the further we stray from who we truly are. Think about it, as a newborn baby you’re completely in tune with yourself and your desires. Even as a small toddler, you naturally are drawn toward the things that you think you will find enjoyment from; some kids run toward the swings on the playground while others race to the sandbox. The older you get, however, the more these choices are influenced by outside forces; My friends are all going to the sandbox, but I really want to swing, but I don’t want to swing alone. And there are big kids over by the swings, what if I can’t swing as high as them and they judge me or make fun of me? I’ll just go to the sandbox with my friends. This isn’t entirely a bad thing, its part of the human condition to want to fit into our social groups. And it is not a bad thing to take others into consideration; to be kind to others and treat others with respect, however most of us are socialized so much in this way, that the very idea of saying “no” to someone causes so much stress and inner turmoil that it makes us miserable! Sally wants me to go to the beach with her, but I have been really exhausted lately, and my responsibilities are piling up at home. I really just want to stay home today, but if I tell her no, what if she gets mad at me or hates me for it? What if she never invites me again? I’ll just say yes, and maybe I’ll have time to take care of my responsibilities after.

More than that, starting at a young age, who we are gets repeatedly covered up by the “shoulds” and “should nots” of our society and our social groups around us, and even shaped by those who raise us. A small child who both sings and paints out of pure enjoyment might have parents who don’t find the painting to be very ‘good’ so instead, they go out of their way to encourage the child to sing. “Oh Susie, you sing so wonderfully! You have the voice of an angel”. This child, entering the developmental stage where they seek praise and positive affirmation will continue to sing, and if enough subtle negative reinforcement is given in relation to their painting “Oh you made a big mess” “It’s okay maybe it will look better next time (insinuating that it doesn’t look good now) they may forgo it altogether. This shapes their exploration of their talents and their exploration of their authentic self, based on their parents’ reflection.

Fortunately, however, our true selves will never be completely lost to us. Your authentic self is your very essence and essence is indestructible. While it can be buried, it can also be uncovered just like what is lost can eventually be found. Discovering your authentic self is what the spiritual path is all (or, mostly all) about and is, quite literally, the journey of a lifetime. You must nurture your soul, body and mind, while chipping away at the things that have caused you to lose sight of yourself.

This is something that I have been working on recently, in even the smallest of ways. For example, I am a server at a restaurant and throughout my day there are many, many people who are rude to me. For reasons unbeknownst to myself, these people treat me with respect only suitable for something subhuman, and are just mean and act vile toward me. It used to make me angry and I would wish bad karma onto them. However something I have learned is that you will never be able to control the actions of others, regardless of how hard you try. You can only control the actions of yourself, and your reactions to stimuli. Knowing that I alone am in control of my reactions, and that this rude individual cannot inspire rudeness, only my desire to be rude can inspire it, I had to ask myself. At my most authentic core, am I a spiteful, rude, nasty person? Or am I kind and compassionate? I decided on the latter and have been practicing reacting with kindness not just externally for fear of losing my job (saying ‘yes ma’am, have a nice day!’ to the mean lady because I don’t want to lose my job) but because I genuinely mean the kindness I am bestowing, because it is coming from the core of who I am, which is a kind person. It is my job, and my job alone to live up to my spiritual and moral values. Who we are in each moment comprises who we are totally, and I want each moment to be as genuine and holistic as possible for myself.

I have yet to fully uncover my authentic self. I have moments of folly but the thing that has helped me the most is being forgiving of myself and my mistakes, and using them along with the challenges in my life as fuel to my fire.

However something I have noticed is that there are numerous benefits I have reaped from beginning down this path. Since I have started this I have been happier overall and felt more fulfilled. I have trusted my instincts and decisions more, and relied less on the thoughts related to what others would think of them. I have been able to hold a mirror to myself and recognize mal-adaptive habits I have been perpetuating and I have found myself able to be more open and honest with others (an example of this could even be starting this blog, where, in the past, I had been very secretive with my writing unless it was something I ‘knew’ was ‘good). I have been able to try many new things without the fear of failure and have been able to do more of the things I love without fear of judgment.

However we're a slow roll toward home(a line from a poem I posted a few days back, in case you didn’t catch that) filled with many mistakes. Some mistakes I’ve struggled greatly with are trying to compensate for myself. I often times find myself trying to clarify my actions or my desires. I find myself trying to lower people’s expectations of myself and my actions with negative euphemisms (when showing someone my painting I lead with ‘it’s not very good…’ rather than something positive like ‘I had a lot of fun making this’) when in reality, I shouldn’t be taking their expectations into consideration at all if I were truly acting from my authentic core. I tend to spend a lot of time thinking and obsessing over my flaws both physical and mental, and often feel an overwhelming sense of disgust, anger or frustration, and often times I find it hard to consider my own desires or needs a priority (this is something that balance is extremely, extremely important with. You really don’t want to swing too far one way or the other). And I do tend to talk myself out of experiences, for a large number of reasons. I won’t be good at it, or people won’t like it, etc.

However I suspect that I’m not alone in these actions. We’ve probably all fell victim to these negative thoughts and behaviors, so instead of dwelling on the fault itself I take pride in the fact that I’m able to now recognize it and then work to reconstruct the thought.

Something I have been realizing recently, through this discovery, is that ‘old’ habits and courses of action don’t feel quite as authentic as I once thought they did. Shopping for material goods, spending time gossiping or spending my weekend ‘catching a buzz’ drinking beer and liquor, have lost almost all of their appeal. Don’t get me wrong, it’s extremely nice to relax and unwind, to do something mindless or frivolous once in a while is healthy for the mind. All things in moderation, and it’s all about balance. This is the key to remember. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with these things nor am I invalidating one’s participation in them because like all other events, they are experiences and can lead to fun times, friends, and good memories. I’m just saying that their importance and relevance in my life has shifted a bit, and that I feel more authentic and more happy with other things being the spotlight of my free time.

So if you were looking for a sign to get back to your roots,  to find out what makes you happy and who you are, to maybe find a better balance in your life between your ego driven self and your authentic self, this is it. Just keep in mind that this is a balancing act, and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It’s okay to indulge in “shallow” pleasures at times. It’s okay to spend your weekend reading books about religion or philosophy and meditating. Balance is the key. And remember that it is not an overnight success. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories.

May you listen to the voice within yourself, even when you’re tired. May you break your heart wide open, for the world instead of breaking down and may that lead you to experiences that fill your life with happiness and understanding.

Godspeed, friends.

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Discussion Questions:

1. How do you think you would answer the question of 'who are you'? Are you happy with this response? Do you think it is something concrete or something that changes over time?
2. Do you believe that your authentic self has been covered up over time? What do you think caused this? How can you work toward being more true to your core?
3. Do you ever find it difficult to 'be yourself'? Why do you think this is? Do you have anyone in your life that you do not have this difficulty around? What do you think sets this particular person apart from others in your life? How do you think you can go about surrounding yourself around more people like this one, who help us better express our authentic self? 
4. What values do you find important to you in your life? What drives you and makes you feel inspired? What are things that you want more of in your life? How do you think you can strive to make this a reality? How do you think you can create a life that is more meaningful and inspiring to you? 
5. Develop an action plan for yourself. What challenges do you think you will meet? How do you plan to face them? How do you plan to reward yourself? How will you remember to be patient with yourself?