As many of you may already be aware, not too long ago I had picked up painting as a form of self expression and a creative outlet, a way to blow off stress. I knew I had never painted before. I didn't perceive myself of having much skill, nor did I expect myself to paint anything that any other person would deem worthy of any sort of praise (however if you happen to be interested in viewing or reading about some of my paintings you can look at them here here or here ). I have always been a little too focused on the outcome of things that I pursue. Even when I was involved with boxing or volleyball, a lot of the times my obsession with trying to do things well and to be perfect, that undo pressure that I put on myself would hold me back, and in the very beginning of my painting career (and even in the beginning of my hooping career, and in the beginning of this blog as well) I embraced the fact that the outcome wasn't as important as the process and I even cared little what the finished painting would look like. I accepted that my skill level was yet to match my ambition and I was okay with it. Yet by the time I had published my second or third painting, they received a lot of positive attention, and suddenly the knowledge of having a receptive audience put pressure on me to create something great. I wanted so badly for each painting to be better than the one before, to show some sort of great improvement and to again earn that praise and attention, that I ended up crippling myself. Each time I had the desire to paint, it was squashed by the fear of it not turning out the way I wanted it too. My fire was put out by the idea of other people thinking my painting was garbage.
You see, I have always been a praised perfectionist, who simultaneously battles with a host of anxiety and depression. I simultaneously don't care and have no ambition, whilst having all of the care and ambition in the world. I light a fire inside myself to create, to paint, to write, to open myself up only to snuff the flame before it even has a chance to brighten to it's fullest potential.
When I first started this blog, with zero views and zero followers, I expected no one to read any of my posts. I expected no one to care even in the slightest about anything I had to say except maybe my mom or best friend would occasionally check in. When I had convinced myself that there was no hope for this blog, it was easy to write. The ideas flowed and there was no pressure. It was fun and simple and it was a place to get my ideas out there...but then views started pouring in. I got messages of praise from people that weren't my mother or my best friend and suddenly I second guessed everything. Every idea. Every poem or short story I analyzed until I found all the reasons not to post it because it wasn't worthy. Worthy of what, I'm not even sure. But it just wasn't. The pressure paralyzed me and I couldn't write anything because I didn't have anything worth posting. I couldn't paint anything because I didn't have anything worth painting. I didn't want to practice hooping, something I genuinely and completely enjoyed because I wasn't good enough.
It wasn't until recently that I realized that it isn't about being good enough for the critics or the fans or for anyone else, because both will always exist and neither has very much bearing on your actual level of ability, it's about being good enough for yourself and somewhere along the line, I had accidentally convinced myself that I wasn't good enough. So the blog would sit, no new posts being added. I would have an idea, but I didn't have the courage or the confidence to get it out there anymore. Then I would finally work up the courage enough to post a half-assed update on my life, I would make excuses about how busy I had been and that that is why I haven't posted anything (you can read one of those posts here where I spent most of the entire post convincing myself that all of these events going on in my life were the reason I've neglected a blog I was once so passionate about, rather than my own crushing self doubt of my creativity) but I could never get past that entry level post because once I had explained to everyone why I had been neglecting the blog, that meant it was time to post something real now. Something worth a post, and I could't do it.
That was until this past weekend. My best friend, Mychel (who I have mentioned in this blog a few times prior) and I had planned a three day...mental escape...if you will, to celebrate the completion of our summer and to celebrate how far we have both come both in the physical world (keeping up with cars and jobs and apartments) and the spiritual world (learning about ourselves and our insecurities and strengths) and we had been planning it for a very extended period of time. Throughout our entire period of planning and waiting for the days to come, I had been talking about wanting to paint. For months I had been talking about wanting to paint. We had purchased new canvases, got new paints. Everything was in place to paint and yet when the moment came, Mychel sat and painted freely and I stared at a blank canvas, unable to make a mark. I couldn't decide what I wanted to paint. Idea after idea flashed through my head yet my ideas far outreached my level of skill with the brush and so I was paralyzed. I couldn't do it and I began to become very upset and frustrated with myself. I looked at my best friend, painting happily, and was overcome with envy for her freedom with the brush. I knew that nothing I painted would turn out as well as her painting. Sensing my struggle, she urged me to just make a mark. Just paint, she kept telling me. "That's what I'm doing. Just paint, it's fun. Here, do you want to paint on mine with me?" I watched her for minutes that seemed like hours and she was right, she was just painting. Making little colorful swirls on her canvas.
Halfheartedly, I dipped my paintbrush into the green paint and made a sad, wavy line, sat and stared at it for minutes more. I felt stupid. Incompetent. I was kicking myself for even coming up with the idea to paint in the first place. I glanced over at Mychel, having fun and freely painting. She urged me again, and in a moment of "fuck it" I decided I would just paint, too. I assured myself that if it turned out horribly, I could toss it out. No one would ever see it except me. There was no need to feel pressured to make something, because my only audience was myself, and Mychel was right, it was fun mixing the colors around and seeing how they all looked, trying out different types of paint and different brushes and methods. I finally let go and I had tears in my eyes while I painted and painted for hours.
I made a post in this blog's fetus days, about the importance of still participating in hobbies that you may not necessarily be "good" at by societal standards (you can read that post here if you're interested) I never felt that message fully and completely internalized until that particular day.
I will forever be thankful for the people in my life that push me to be the best version of myself that I can. I will be thankful for the friends that I have, new, old, and those that I'm no longer friends with, thankful for my family and for people I've yet to meet. And I will forever be thankful for this day because the release of the pressure I put on myself, the crippling pressure and anxiety that comes from being a perfectionist, has relit the flame in me that burns to create. Because of this day, because of the guidance from Mychel and because of the reflections I had about myself while making this piece, I have promised myself to create with abandon and without regard to the outcome. I will paint and some days it will look like Picasso and some days it will look like a child's work. I'll hoop and look like a baby deer who just found out how to stand, and I'll draw and write. Some days my words will reflect into the hearts of my readers and resonate. Some days I'll be compared to the greats of literature and some days, like today, I will ramble on, nothing too well written or too comprehensible and that's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PURCHASE PRINTS OF THE PAINTING FEATURED IN THIS POST!!!
Click HERE to be taken to my Etsy shop where you can purchase art prints or canvas prints of the painting featured in this post.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Your comments are always welcome, and what you have to say is valid and appreciated greatly. Leave your comment below and it will be submitted for review. Expect your comment to be published (or not, barring that it is profane or includes explicit content) within a business day.