How Much you Love Me

An Original Poem:

"Tell me how much you love Me,"
Your ego pleaded with my bleeding heart,
So i stuck my pruned thumb through the hole
You had created just hours ago,
long enough to stop the flow, to fake a smile, 
to tell You how much i love You.

"Tell me how much you love Me,"
Your ego pleaded with my blackened knees
i broke them myself to spare You the trouble
while i kneeled to let You replace my bones
with knives so if i ever moved to get away
i would only tear my own flesh from my bones while You watched

"Tell me how much you love Me,"
Your ego pleaded with my torn up skin after You filled my veins
with the glass shattered by apathy and atrophy and god knows what else
i pushed myself down the flight of stairs and landed into a fit of apologies meant only for You

"Tell me how much you love Me,"
Your ego pleads with my body bag where I stashed my soul for safer keeping
Closing my fist and pulling my withered finger back through the hole
to test the time it takes to reach the glow on the horizon 
and sing Your name in submission 

30 Day Challenge

My 30 Day Challenge Manifestation Board! After I finished making it, I hung it on the back of my bedroom door right at face height, so it will always be in my vision when I leave my bedroom to begin my day! 

Hello lovelies! I'm taking a break from the art and poetry today to talk to you all about something I am beginning this month, which I am referring to as my own personal 30 Day Journey to a Healthier Body, Mind and Spirit (or just the 30 day challenge, for short). 

This challenge means something to me because as many of you know, and as I wrote about in a post on this blog at the beginning of the year, I struggle with anxiety and depression, as many of us do to one degree or another. I have been on and off different dosages of different medications, seen therapists, I've tried it all. Yet somehow I was still struggling. I had succumb to the idea that I couldn't control my racing mind, or how terrible and mean I was to myself. If I had a 'friend' that said the things I said to myself, that person would have been cut from my life long ago!  

So many of us are our own worst critics, so much so that it's almost an ingrained thought process. For many, negative self talk comes so much more freely and naturally than positivism. We can't control the messages delivered to us by the outside world, but we can control the ones we deliver to ourselves. When we speak to ourselves, we have the power to build ourselves up or to limit ourselves. Our words carry power. Just think about the Law of Attraction. Our thoughts connect us to the universe, and enact the timeless belief that life doesn't happen to us, but rather responds to us. To our attitudes. Our beliefs. Our vibes and energies. Simply put, we are magnets! We attract what we put our energy into. And putting energy into hateful self talk, doubts and anxieties, will not bring good things into your life. 

Something I know all too well is that our lives are shaped by the thoughts we play in our heads. We shape our outer lives, our reality, via our inner lives. Our thoughts have the power to either enhance or diminish our human experience, and I've decided that I'm done using mine for the latter. I want to take back my brain, my thoughts, my self-esteem and my life. I want to overcome years of negative programming and replace it with more fruitful, helpful thoughts. I want to become the happiest, healthiest version of myself both mentally, physically, and spiritually. But I've began this journey only to fall off the wagon so many times, I wanted to be serious about it this time.So I created this challenge for myself. Because I am ready to face myself. I'm ready to face the things that are holding me back, to challenge my negative beliefs and my egoic mind and to introduce positive change into my life for good. 

I created the challenge board (pictured above) and hung it on the back of my bedroom door right at face height, so that each time I'm ready to leave my room and start my day, it is a reminder of my promise to myself to build a better me. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, so this challenge should be more than enough to get be well on the path to a healthier and more positive lifestyle. I also hope that by having a visual representation of my challenge readily available and in my space, it will help hold me accountable to myself, and help to keep me motivated to stick with it.

This 30 Day Challenge entails 5 tasks each day. 

1) Repeating to myself a positive affirmation, that I personally wrote for that day. It took me a lot of time to pinpoint which particular affirmations I wanted to focus on, and I started the challenge with ones that felt more natural for me to tell myself, and will be ending it with ones that are more difficult. I will repeat it to myself throughout the day. In my head, out loud. I can write it down on paper or in my phone. I'll say it while I'm driving, or showering. I'll tell it to myself in the mirror while I'm getting dressed. When I feel uncomfortable, or stressed or anxious. When I feel happy or proud of myself. I will repeat this phrase and I will be genuine, sincere and deliberate about my repetitions. Here is a list of the 30 affirmations I am using for this challenge, in order, in case you're interested in using them or beginning a challenge like this of your own. And if you need or would like a better look at my affirmation board, just contact you and I can send you a photo to help you get started on your own! You can do this, and if you're looking for the right time, that time is now!! 

2) I will go to the gym! This one I am allowing myself one "rest day" per 7 days of the challenge, but I want to go to the gym as much as I possibly can. Working out releases endorphins in your brain that elevate your mood and give you more energy. I also notice I feel more confident in myself and in my body when I'm putting effort into it. I don't have to have an absolute killer, balls-to-the-wall workout every single day, but simply do the best I have to offer for that particular day. 

3) I will do a minimum amount of yoga each day (starting with 15 minutes and slowly increasing throughout the duration of the challenge). This one I am not allowing myself a rest day. I can do it at the gym, as my workout, or in addition to. I'm allowing myself the flexibility to listen to my body and do what feels right, without going overboard and doing more damage than good. Yoga aims to unite the mind, body, and spirit which is one of my main goals of this challenge. To explore and become more at peace and knowledgeable about my 'inner world'. 

4) I will meditate for a minimum number of minutes each day, that will increase as the challenge continues. No exceptions. I am allowing myself flexibility with this practice as well. I can do it in the shower, at the end of my yoga practice, to begin my day or to end it. However I see fit and right for myself at the time. During my time meditating I will repeat my positive affirmation to myself, as well as ones from days prior and practice being kind to myself and uplifting and complimenting my being. 

5) And finally, I will do something positive for myself each day, and write what that thing was on my challenge board. This must be something not already included in the challenge (so I can't use 'meditated' or 'went to the gym') but can be anything from taking a bath, to tidying up my room or seeing a friend. 

My goals for this challenge are simple, to get the most out of the next 30 days that I possibly can. I want to build good habits and good practices for myself, so that I can carry them beyond this challenge and continue to live a healthy and happy life. I don't want to fall off the wagon or cheat myself. I want to stick to this challenge and I think I owe it to myself to do so. I plan to write about this challenge again at the 21 day point (the "habit formation checkpoint") and again at the end and will tell you all, honestly, how it went. But I would also like to urge you all to do challenges of your own! What is something you've been wanting to achieve that you've been holding yourself back from? If you were looking for a sign to go ahead and just do it--take the risk--this is your sign. YOU have the power to shape your life. YOU have the power to manifest positive things for yourself, but you can only do so as much as you change your thoughts and beliefs about yourself. 

So here's to my journey of learning to be more kind to myself, and choosing to be happy. And I hope this can inspire some of you to begin your own journey to the things you desire in life. 

Godspeed, friends.

Not Just Yet

"Love You Through It" Digital Artwork by Jessica Whitacre

I want to hold the world in my hands
To cherish it with every breath in
And
Out
I also want to watch it melt and crumble
Disintegrate between my cold, unfeeling fingers
And I can’t decide which would do more damage in the long run because
I ripped my heart out long ago
So long
It’s become one with the moss on the sidewalk everyone fucking steps on
And I can’t tell the difference
Between weakness and forgiveness.
I’ve spent too much time lost in the noise
That I’ve learned to silence myself.
Because when you open up and tell your secret anxieties
Snakes use them as punchlines to expose your tender skeleton,
A skeleton one day I’ll leave behind as the sky itself weeps for the bones I’ve abandoned.
But until that point I’ll remind myself every rope tied
Noose
Is a victory flag in the background
And to those who think they can sneak up behind me with barbed wire and roses
They have another thing coming.
Gaze into the glass that is my heart and see
There’s nothing left to damage except the air that tastes of better
Years to come.

Dear Bully(s):

An open letter to the person(s) who have lately been finding joy in trying to erase mine;

To be honest, I'm just as shocked as you are (or well, as you would be if you read this, which I'm not sure you ever will) to be sitting down to write this letter. I debated long and hard about weather or not it was worth my energy. But in the end I decided to go ahead, not for you, but for myself and for anyone else that may be feeling similar to the way I do. But unfortunately, your unkind actions have admittedly taken a bit of space in my head, which has weighed on my heart. I would love to tell you that you haven't phased me, that I haven't given your stunts a second thought but unfortunately for me, that isn't quite the case. 

I'd like to let you know that the most recent of your stunts, when yesterday you decided that I needed to be personally signed up for the Obesity Action Coalition because I am obese and need help, and need information sent to my email and mailed to the house, was clever, and admittedly, did strike a bit of a cord. Like I'm sure you knew it would. You even ordered me a poster about understanding severe obesity and brochures about my weight loss options. You outdid yourself this time, truly. 

I'm not a thin girl, I will be the first to admit that. I weigh just about 160lbs and stand at 5'6" tall. Maybe you're aware that I have struggled with an eating disorder in my past, and that's why you chose this stunt. Or maybe you didn't, and just knew it would be a good way to make me feel bad. I don't particularly love my body, but I'm getting there. I eat foods that are good for me. I exercise regularly and enjoy stretching and practicing yoga. I care for my body and I am healthy. It's so easy to get caught up in negative self talk and self depreciating attitudes, I really didn't need any assistance. I've fought long and hard to get to this point, but I can say that is long as I'm healthy then I'm happy. My body is strong. It has carried me to the tops of mountains and back. It has allowed me to jump from planes and fall with style, to swim in oceans and rivers and lakes and sleep under the stars. Thanks to my body I can dance like no one is watching at concerts that I adore and play with my puppy. I can cuddle up next to someone I love. My body has gotten me through the happiest and the hardest times of my life, and I won't let your insensitive "prank" strip that from me. You see...not everyone naturally loves themselves. I don't. In fact, i work for it each and every day. That's something that you, as someone who was once a trusted person in my life (because let's be real, I have a pretty solid idea of who is doing this) knows. And for you to play on that, just makes you cruel. But I won't let it work. I've fought too hard, for too long. 

But really, I wasn't writing this letter to address just this one incident, or really any specific incident you felt inclined to provide me with. I'm not writing it to get back at you, either. I'm not even sure this letter will ever reach you. But if it does, I wanted to remind you that the way you treat others is a reflection of yourself, not of them. The way people treat others is a testament to their true colors, not to your worth and because of that, I won't allow you to make me feel small or lesser. 

I also wanted to tell you that I forgive you. I will not allow people like you to turn my heart cold or make me bitter. I will not allow myself to carry hatred in my heart either, because that is not who I am. I'm not the type of person that hates. I am a lover, and I will not allow my heart to be changed. Instead, I want to remind myself that hurt people, hurt people. People who are genuinely happy want to share that happiness and uplift others, not tear them down. So instead, I promise to try to find compassion for you. I wonder what life has done to you, to make you treat others this way and I hope you can someday let go of the things that are holding you back and poisoning your heart. I hope people in life continue to show you kindness, so that you may learn to follow their example. I hope life continues to bless you and that your heart becomes filled with positivity, so that you may begin to spread that instead. I hope that this serves as a reminder that you deserve love and happiness, just like the rest of us, and I hope you're on your way to finding it. But I will give you a hint, you won't find it in the ashes of other's burned joy. 

Best wishes,

Jess.  

Lost

An Original Poem:

I’m stumbling 

Naked in this nightmare

But at least a nightmare is still a dream. 

Stumbling, naked 

My hearts dripping 

Battery acid onto 

Every way out through the snow 

And I guess I realize

I’m 

Truly

lost. 

Out of desperation I cling to one wing

Of a dying bird

Because I never learned how to fly

Or maybe you just made me forget that I knew how. 

I’m falling 

We’re all falling but cold hearts make us feel

Frozen in the sun 

That will eventually burn 

Burn

Burn Out. 

So I’ll piss on the ashes of my old

Cremated self 

Putting an end to the suffocation that swallowed me

And left me frozen 

I may be lost

But I can find 

Myself.

Girl Under Construction

An Original Poem:

She always dreamed to take a chance

Wanted to keep an open mind.

But worry always held her back,

from things she needed to find.

Eventually, she had no choice

But to take the chance

And now she aims, and hopes, and tries

To set the worry free.

The pieces are starting to fall into place

And she now knows who she needs to be.

Just The Same

An original poem;



Laid up in bed together
While the world outside collapsed
But, how does that matter?
Why would that matter?
How could I have known, that fucking mattered
When the apocalypse was in your eyes?
With every love sick, dope sick gaze growing
More sick
Red and bleeding hearts turned old and nicotine yellow
I can’t remember when exactly, did we
Decide to dispose of them,
And let confusion pump the blood through our veins instead.
Pouring liquor down our throats to extinguish the fires of heaven
Or maybe it was hell
With smoke pouring from my iris
I gaze toward the window and wish I still had mine.
We were bodies in a bed
Waiting for the burning star to rise
As if it could shed some fucking light
On our home and warm
This dead-end wind.
I could never tell if I was burning alive or freezing
But I guess they both kill just the same.